Reviews and articles on online counseling services, matchmaker websites, marriage and family therapy. Also about relationship and dating.
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Thursday, October 30, 2008
10 Essential Flirting Moves You Must Know
1. Smiling. You must smile. You probably think you smile now, but you don't, really. You should practice your smile in the mirror--to be big enough to be noticed, your smile will probably have to be bigger than you are used to.
2. Getting caught looking. Most people look away when the object of their desire looks at them. If you want to let that person know you are interested, when she catches you looking, smile, hold eye contact a moment longer, then look away.
3. Waving. A little wave to someone who caught you looking, along with a smile, is a non-intrusive, very flirty way to say "hello."
4. Winking. You can wink at someone from across the room, or wink at someone during a conversation. If she says something funny, or someone else does something silly, you can give a wink as a way of sharing a little moment for just the two of you, as if the two of you are in on some private joke no one else is aware of.
5. Asking "what's the story behind that?" You can ask "what's the story behind that?" about any special or unusual thing your quarry is wearing or carrying. Examples: "that's really neat bracelet you are wearing. What's the story behind that?" or "That's a really great briefcase. What's the story behind that?" Even if there isn't much of one, it's given you some conversation.
6. Holding eye contact. While you are conversing with her, you want to be sure to have eye contact at least some of the time. At least once it's a good idea to hold the eye contact a little "too long," just a fraction too long, so there's a brief, more intimate moment between you.
7. Non-intrusive touching. This can be as simple as placing your hand lightly on her hand for a moment, or touching her back for a moment as you walk to a table to sit down. Just do this a couple of times on the first flirting interaction--if she pulls away, don't do it again.
8. Checking her out. Checking out her body must be done properly. The goal is for your new friend to feel complimented that you noticed her body, not objectified like some piece of meat. You do this by making eye contact, then quickly, in less than a second, passing your eyes down and then up over her body, then back to looking in the eyes. It should happen quickly, and you should be unashamed of taking a glance. Just don't do it too often.
9. Using the "Good-bye compliment." If you are shy, flirting with the "good-bye compliment" may be just the thing you need. On your way out, you simply go up to the woman you want to flirt with, and say something like, "Hi, I have to go now, but before I did, I really wanted to let you know that you have a really great sense of style, and that I noticed it. I wish I had more time to spend with you, but I have to go." Then leave. This allows you to build your confidence in approaching women, without having to take the risk of rejection--after all, you have to leave, you couldn't stay even if they wanted you to! (Some men also ask for phone numbers at this point.)
10. Stopping while it's still fun. Remember, flirting should be fun, and you should leave the flirting interaction feeling victorious. Most men leave their flirting interactions feeling like failures because they don't stop until it stops being fun. If you stop flirting on a high point, while it's still fun, your new friend will feel good when thinking of you, and want to see you again.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Giving Compliments... Should You or Shouldn't You?
A lot of guys think that the way into a girl's pants is to suck up to her and kiss her ass through excessive compliments and gift-buying.
Of course, giving too many compliments to a woman, especially about her looks, only makes you look NEEDY and desperate. At best she'll think "Oh another desperate guy," and at worst it gives her the green light to walk all over you.
On the other hand, some guys have the philosophy that you should NEVER compliment a girl to avoid looking needy. But this isn't right either.
Giving a compliment can be VERY powerful with a woman when you say it directly, smoothly, and with no apologies. The key difference is this - if you give her a compliment from a position of power then she will see you as a powerful person who and she will continue to work for your approval. On the other hand, if you give her a compliment out of sexual neediness then she will see you as a weak beggar.
Make Compliments Work For You
Compliments are useful in that they can put her in a good frame of mind about you. A compliment can work for you by noticing something she put a lot of effort into, something that most guys don't take the time to notice - therefore setting yourself apart from the pack.
For instance, if she's wearing something unusual, compliment on that. Or is she has put highlights in hair, mention that. If she's gone out of her way to stick out her breasts, you can even compliment her on that. If you can't think of anything, tell her how she has such a nice energy. In ALL cases it's important that your attitude is calm and playful - NOT needy and desperate.
And whatever you say, say it like that you mean it. If your voice isn't congruent with the power of your compliment, it will ring false.
Now, should you compliment a woman on her looks? For especially beautiful women in particular, avoid complimenting their beauty. They may well appreciate it, but that's what EVERY guy tells them, and they probably have the compliment associated with a lot of losers. So you're not setting yourself apart from the losers and you risk getting associated with a bunch of needy desperate guys.
Give It, Then Fractionate Away
Compliments are made more powerful by using them SPARINGLY and FRACTIONATING.
For example, you may give her a compliment ONCE on her great smile, and then start being more cocky and funny, or simply change the direction of the conversation away from her. Don't continue to dwell on her great smile.
Or, compliment and then instantly do a "take back" which can be even more powerful. For example, say to her, "You know, it looks like you put a lot of time into your hair... I mean it's really beautiful... but... I just noticed... that... you have some hair that's out of place and is going a little crazy right here." In this example, you give the compliment about her hair, and then you "take back" when you tell her it's out of place. Just make sure the "take back" is something comparatively minor to the compliment and can be corrected, otherwise it comes off as an insult. For example, if you said, "Your hair is beautiful, but that style went out in the 60's," she'd probably take that as an insult.
If anything, just keep in the mind the fundamental rules; give compliments sparingly, if at all. And if you feel you're about to give one out of neediness or for lack of anything else better to say, keep it to yourself.
Regards,
Derek Vitalio
Learn the Science of Seduction
http://www.seductionscience.com/
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Testing her Readiness for the First Kiss
It's like lighting a camp stove. If you just lunge at the stove with a lit match, of course it won't light. If the stove doesn't light, the problem isn't with the match you are using, how you are holding it, or the way you struck the match on the box. It's not a defective camp stove and it doesn't hate you. You just haven't primed it properly. If you focus on thinking that you are doing something wrong during the lighting stage, when the problem is that you haven't primed the stove properly, nothing you do will work. You need to realize that lighting the stove itself is trivial if you have primed it properly.
Before going for the first kiss, you must have done most if not all of the flirting moves with a woman. These are the bare-bones basics. If you haven't done most of these things, don't even consider the first kiss. Go back and do them more. Get the basics handled, then move on.
Testing her readiness for the first kiss
Touching Test. You can test her readiness by gauging her responses to casual and romantic touching. Casual touching is simple and fast. It's when your fingers touch her when you give her a cup of coffee, or when you touch her arm or back to guide her to the table you've selected. Casual touching is ambiguous; you might be touching her as a friend, or you might be touching her as a potential lover.
Romantic touching is more intrusive. If you are touching and holding her hand, or rubbing her arm, or keeping your hand on any part of her body for more than a few seconds, you are touching her romantically. You want her to welcome longer and longer periods of touch from you. First, touch her casually, and see how she responds. More than likely, she will have no visible response at all. If she pulls away at all, keep your touching extremely brief, and keep up your romantic conversations. If she continuously shrugs away from your touch, consider getting rid of her and moving on. There's no reason to stay with a woman who is cold, unresponsive, and doesnÕt want to be romantic with you.
If she does respond positively, touch her for longer periods of time. If she gets more relaxed and animated, if her skin flushes, or her eyes get shiny and reflective, these are all signs of positive response. If she responds positively, move to putting your hand on hers for longer periods. Don't make a big deal of this, just let it seem to happen.
The Hug Test. One way to learn about how a woman feels about you is to see how she responds to being hugged. Like casual touching, hugging is something you can usually get a woman to accept just by doing it. When you hug a woman and don't make a big deal out of it, much of the time she'll just assume that you are a guy who hugs, and not make a big deal out of it either.
We usually recommend avoiding hugging a woman much before you are having sex with her. Hugging is a friendly thing to do, rather than a lover-ly thing to do. If she gets use to being in your arms without kissing you, it's easy for her to resolve the apparent incongruity by telling herself that you are simply a friend.
Also, hugging is a time when men who are starved for touch accidentally show some desperation. They grab a hold, get caught up in how good it feels to them (rather than to her), squeeze too hard, and don't let go. The first rule of hugging a woman that you are dating is that you keep it short. Short, short, short. Use it as a test of her readiness, not as a chance to get your sexual or touch needs met. You'll get enough of that later on.
When saying hello or good-bye to her, you can often simply take her in your arms and hug her. If you keep it short, it won't scare her, and you'll be able to gauge her response. Does she press into you? Does she seem to want to really hang on? That's a good sign, and you might want to move to kissing her right then. If she seems to want to get away, then you know you have more work to do in making her feel romantic feelings.
The face kiss test. Along with hugging, you can try face-kissing. This is when you kiss her cheek, to see how she responds. If she leans into the kiss, and smiles, she's into it, and will be receptive to your lip-kiss later. If she pulls back, or winces, then it's back to the drawing board. She most certainly won't be receptive to a lip-kiss if she won't take one on the cheek willingly.
Enthusiasm test. You can also gauge a woman's level of interest by her level of enthusiasm. Her enthusiasm will be shown in her overall demeanor, but it's best shown in the time between one activity and the next. It's between the activities that you do together, rather than during them, that she has the best opportunity to claim she is tired and needs to go home. Between activities, watch her level of interest. After the movie, is she eager to go out for coffee or a drink, or does she seem reluctant? Does she seem to be looking for a juncture at which she can end the date, or is she up for partying with you all night long? It's these between spaces that will tell you her level of interest.
Pretend Kiss test. This test also primes the woman for your kiss. You begin by moving towards her, as if to kiss her, at some point "change your mind," and back off again. If, as you move toward her, she backs away, she probably doesn't want to kiss you. If she stays still, or moves slightly forward, she's probably interested. The pretend kiss can "seal the deal" for the kiss later. If she hasn't moved away, then you both have acknowledged that a kiss in inevitable, and it's only a matter of time.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
How To Be The Man EVERY Woman Wants
I wanted to share a secret to attracting women
that I believe is one of the ULTIMATE advantages
you can have.
When I was first learning about how to get past
my internal fears... how to approach women and start
conversations... how to create attraction and
chemistry... and how to take things to the next
level... I wound up trying a TON of different
"tricks and techniques".
Whenever I found a new "trick" that worked for
me, I felt like I had just put another piece of the
puzzle together... that I had gotten just that
much closer to REALLY understanding how things
worked.
But there was another feeling that happened
even MORE often:
It was when I would try something that had
"worked" before, but it DIDN'T work this time.
It was the feeling that I must have MISSED
something... that I must not REALLY get it.
I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking
about here.
It was probably a couple of YEARS after starting
my quest that I had what I consider to be one of
the biggest "Ah Ha!" experiences of my life.
Here's what my realization was:
The guys I knew who were the MOST successful
with women didn't read books to learn a bunch of
"pick up lines"... and they didn't rely on tricks
to attract women.
The guys I new who were MOST successful had a
certain something about them that just seemed to
MAGNETICALLY attract women.
In fact, these guys did and said things to
women that seemed like they COULDN'T work to create
attraction.
But it worked. It seemed to ALWAYS work.
At first, I just assumed that these guys must
be good-looking, or have some kind of natural charm
that I would never have.
It seemed like an "unfair advantage".
Well, I learned that it WAS actually an unfair
advantage. But I ALSO learned that it was
something that ANY guy can have.
WARNING: What I'm about to say might sound a
little "new-agey"... but stick with me.
This "Ah Ha!" led me to an even deeper and more
powerful realization:
These men who were consistently successful with
women had a QUALITY about them, and a deep
UNDERSTANDING of how male/female attraction
works...
...SO THEY DIDN'T NEED TECHNIQUES.
Because they had this magical quality, and
because they understood how to direct and channel any
situation and conversation... they created success
without needing the tricks.
In fact, one of my friends who was VERY good
with women started LEARNING some "pick up lines"
and other tricks, and started doing WORSE with
women.
True story.
He had the quality, and the tricks messed it up
for him!
Well, after really digging into this topic and
trying to translate this "secret knowledge"... and
how to develop this quality I speak of... into a
system that a regular guy could "get" use, I
finally create the Master Key.
It's a Master Key that will unlock doors that
NO guy with a bunch of "tricks and techniques" can
open.
It's a key that will attract -- AND KEEP -- the
more desirable and attractive women... the kinds
of women that most guys will NEVER even have a
chance to date.
I could go on and on about it, but if you're
interested in learning more about this key, then
go here and read THIS:
http://www.DoubleYourDatingAdvice.com/e/eBook/
I hope this secret helps you as much as it has
helped me in my success with women.
Talk to you in a couple of days.
Your Friend,
David D.
P.S. You really should take a minute and look
through the list of programs I've created to help
you learn how to attract and meet women. You can
see them all right here, plus watch some KILLER
free video clips as well:
http://www.DoubleYourDatingAdvice.com/e/eBook/
Isolate or Masturbate
I've seen too many guys lose an easy close because they made one critical mistake - they didn't isolate the girl when they had the chance.
Let's look at the basic psychology of females. Women will only go so far with you as long as she's in sight of her friends. As long as she knows her friends are around, the infamous "slut factor" kicks in. 97% of women want to avoid being categorized as a "slut" at all costs. Usually the only thought holding a woman back from getting freaky on you is, "What would my friends think of me if I...?"
You can better understand the social pressures women face if you step into their shoes. Just imagine if you were with a hot babe on the dance floor - but - your parents were in the corner watching your every move. Would you feel comfortable simply grabbing and groping her ASSets and tongue lashing her mouth? Not likely - you'd probably hold back because of what your parents might think.
This doesn't mean that women don't want sex. Women DO want sex. And good sex, if they can get it. Why do you think half of American girls make their trip to Spring Break Mecca every year? Down South their family and friends are one thousand miles away. The social norms are out the window. All of their old anchors are gone. They're free to go wild and crazy and have sex without being labeled a slut. So they just go for it.
Just as on Spring Break, you always must separate the woman you're seducing from her friends and family. You must get her alone and into your world and into your world alone.
I went out with this gorgeous girl from Argentina once, who I met while doing approaches at the mall. Let's call her Tina. I planned to bring Tina home to my pad for a dinner of Salmon and lemon sauce I had carefully prepared the night before. I thought everything was going to be perfect - boy was I wrong!
She called me just before I was about to leave to instead pick her up at the mall. So I drove over. To my surprise, Tina had her FRIEND was with her. This was bad news, because the situation was violating my cardinal principle of ISOLATION.
Tina asked me to give them a ride back to her house. I agreed, thinking that would be the end of it. But once we got back, her friend said she needed a ride home - the problem was, she lived 40 minutes away!
By the time I drove her friend home, the two of them were talking away and then invited more of their friends to come over. It had become a girl's night out and I couldn't make my normal moves. I had been played when I should have put my foot down and ended the adventure as soon as her girlfriends became involved. I never took charged to aggressively isolate her and I had lost the opportunity because of it.
The following month I went out with a cute blonde. We got together in her house and I started playing with her hands and hair in the kitchen. Within a few minutes we were making out against the kitchen sink. At first, I had no intention of leaving the house the way things were going.
Suddenly, one of her prying housemates walked in on us "by accident". Introductions were made and the small talk proceeded. The cute blonde was no longer in the mood to kiss in front of her friend (the slut factor had kicked in) and her housemate didn't look like she was going to go away on her own. This time I took charge of the situation and told my girl in the middle of the conversation, "Jeez, it's getting late - I think we should get going now!" I ran her out of that house away from her friend as fast as I could.
Once I had her isolated - alone - she was free to act her natural, lusty self and the night proceeded superbly from then on.
Don't be one of those guys who loses out from making this one critical mistake. Isolate the girl when you have your chance!
Regards,
Derek Vitalio
Learn the Science of Seduction
http://www.seductionscience.com/
Eight Characteristics that Give a Man the Absolute Best Chance to Score With Women
-- by Mike Pilinski --
© 2003 Kipling Kat Publishing Co. -- All Rights Reserved
http://www.highstatusmale.com/
For a man, successfully meeting women is all about how you ACT. Period. Sure, you have to look halfway decent in the way you dress, stay groomed and not stink like the chunk of two month old polish sausage that I just found hiding in the back of my refrigerator the other day... but the make-or-break factor is and always will be the WORDS that come out of your mouth, and the ATTITUDE that underlies it.
With that in mind, here's eight points to load into your mental backpack when you're getting ready to go off to battle (which is to say, every day of your life...)
1) Remain Focused on the Game -- The art of attracting women is all about knowing how to engage them with a natural curiosity that shows you are at least a little bit interested in *their* world (WARNING: too much = a slick phoney, so be careful). Look for LifeLines (anything that she's hinting she would be open to talking about) and stay committed to working them. Forget about yourself. Fade out your own ego. There'll be plenty of time in the future to gab about your own amazing life.
Remember this: you are NEVER desperately looking for an "ear to bend" -- you are always looking to draw HER out instead. Only those lost souls with limited social contact hungrily crave the attention of any person they can corner into listening to their non-stop yabbering (I'm not trying to sound cruel here, just honest).
Tune out the surrounding world and focus in on her as if you were the only two people in the universe. If done properly (without any subservient whimpering), this kind of attention is flattering to her in an almost breathtakingly way.
2) Stay Calm -- Above all else, act like you're familiar with this whole process. Seduction always begins as a low pressure event. Place her at ease with your laid back demeanor, and let her slowly begin to feed off of it. Be a lighthearted flirt. Don't be obvious -- keep your interest vague so as to give everyone an "out" to protect all egos involved (both yours and hers). She will appreciate your tactful approach immensely, and be impressed with your consideration and charm.
3) Demonstrate Charisma (Likability) -- Sometime during the course of the evening, offer a single simple compliment about something unique to her style and presentation about herself. No canned "You have such beautiful eyes..." compliments. Don't go overboard or make a big deal about ANY compliments that you pay her. Make them seem casual and unplanned (a sudden pleasant thought that just popped into your head and slipped out before you could stop it...), then IMMEDIATELY move on to other topics. Trust me, she heard it.
4) Touch Her To Seduce Her -- Use any excuse you can dream up to get a hand on her. Of course I mean only in the appropriate places... an arm, shoulder, a hair brushback. Do not grope her like a desperate fool. Touch is extremely important because it demonstrates a sexual, "manly" interest in her and keeps you away from the deadly "nice-guy-friend" category. Just make sure you always keep it classy.
5) Risk Taking Is A Turn-On -- Take a chance... a bold comment, break the speed limit, whatever... Stay unpredictable and keep her a little off balance. Men are powerful and at ease with themselves , right? (see item #2...)
6) Be A Man, Not A Boy -- Keep your apartment styled in a mature fashion -- avoid the frat-house look even though your football buddies will probably declare you a big puss. A few REAL house plants (the kind you actually have to water... yee-gads!), and dark solids everywhere. A few *paintings* (don't spend a fortune, just hit the flea markets) instead of the Pam Anderson poster. Got it? Also (very important) junk the "bunk" and get yourself a double-sized bed (because you entertain female company from time to time, that's why) Time to bury the Star Wars bed sheets too. Keep a few bottles of wine in stock and the kind of goodies hiding around the house that a girl would like (popcorn, cheese, ice cream, etc.) for when you want to veg out in front of the tube and get her loosened up.
7) Nurture The Trance Of Romance -- Take her out to see a mushy chick flick by surprise... make a dinner and light a silly candle on a "spontaneous" whim (nothing is spontaneous to a real Seducer...). Do the things that trigger those romantic thoughts and dreams that attract women naturally by pulling up all their fuzziest memories. You'll score major points for creativity!
8) Project The Attitude Of The High Status Male -- You must NEVER allow yourself to act like a fawning "nice guy"... but you always want to SEEM like one (for an in-depth examination of this all-important topic read this free article on my site... http://www.highstatusmale.com/article_015.htm ). Imagine you have a harem waiting for you back home, and you're trying to determine if she would make a nice new addition. I'm serious. This is the kind of unspoken "winners" attitude that you must keep burning in the far recesses of your mind at all times when you're dating women.
Assume that she likes you and will respond favorably to your charm, but never assume you have a green light to start telling fart jokes or break into your full blown comedy club routine. Humor is all about the CLEVER observation of the absurdities of everyday life -- not the repeating of dumb jokes you read in Hustler or doing your lame celebrity impressions... ("Do I make you horny baby?") That's why they call it a SENSE of humor... you need to base your wit on what you *sense* to be going on around you, which often lies beneath the obvious.
So there you have it. Try a few of these attitude adjustments for yourself -- maybe just as an experiment if you can't face the idea of actually changing anything permanently about yourself. Let me know what happens.