Got Closure? How to Move Forward Powerfully and Positively - By Lissa Coffey

Each of us experiences some kind of loss in this lifetime. People come and go from our lives, whether by choice or circumstance. How we cope with these events affects how we move forward, how we see the world, and how we feel about our lives.

I'm not the only person to have been through a divorce. When my first marriage ended after 17 years, I thought I handled it well. It was an amicable parting, and we maintained a friendly relationship. But then a few years later my sister's husband died unexpectedly. My grief brought up new emotions, and I felt sad and angry and hurt as I relived the divorce in my mind. I realized through this experience that although I had moved on, I hadn't really gotten over it; I didn't have closure. I saw the parallels between my sister's loss and my own, and I actively sought to come up with a formula through which we could both alleviate our pain.

Relationships take many forms: marriage, friendships, family, co-workers, classmates, lovers. Whenever two people have some kind of a connection, a relationship is established. Our energy goes into these connections, our emotions, our hopes, our human vulnerabilities. A relationship is an organism itself, and it can have a life cycle. But since relationship is a spiritual organism, it doesn't die. It merely changes shape. The relationships we build with the people we encounter continue in spirit, in memories, and in lessons learned.

We are invested in our relationships with other people. We spend our time, and emotions, developing a kind of bond with a person. We give of ourselves, through our love, our friendship, our concern, and our efforts.

When we are faced with what seems to be the "end" of a relationship, we may feel loss, grief, anger or pain. We might even feel relief, or freedom. We may question the purpose for this change, whether it is abrupt or expected, and the necessity of it. The change may or may not be our choice, or our desire, but something we must learn to live with. The uneasiness may nag at us for years as we struggle to understand. How do we get that "closure" that our hearts and minds so desperately seek so that we can move forward with our lives?

We need to shift our perspective a little bit when it comes to relationships. In our human form, we see the illusion of death, and the ending of relationships. But what really takes place is a transformation. As we learn and grow through our relationships, our relationships evolve. We can use this evolution as an opportunity for continued growth, and for personal transformation. The pains that we feel are growing pains. However a relationship changes, whether it is a loss from physical death, a divorce, a move away, a growing up, or a falling out, we can not only survive, but thrive, knowing that everything, always, is exactly the way it is meant to be.

A Natural Law works whether we are aware of it or not. It is a principle of nature that is in effect at all times, without favoritism. Gravity is a natural law. It works the same for everyone, at all times. By being aware of gravity, we can move about more freely, with less risk of pain from falling down.

The Law of Relationship is two-fold. It says:

1) We are all connected.

2) We are here to help each other.

We are all connected in one way or another. We feel the same emotions; we share the same experiences. We are brothers and sisters on this planet. This connection bonds us, and gives us a relationship with each other. A mother in any part the world, can relate to another mother she has never seen because she knows what it means, and how it feels, to be a mother. We are all born the same way, and have to learn how to walk and talk and find our way in the world. We face challenges and heartache, no matter where we live, or how we live. Our connection cannot be broken.

With our challenges and experiences we learn and grow. Our relationships bring us many challenges and experiences, and through our relationships we learn and grow. This is how we help each other. We may not even know that we are doing it, but just by being in a person's life, in some small way, we are contributing to the learning process, as they are contributing to ours. Our actions affect other people in ways we can't even imagine. Even in times when we feel hurt by someone, that is an opportunity for us to learn and grow. We might not realize it in the moment, but in some strange and miraculous way, we are helping each other by going through this experience together.

Closure is different than grief. Grieving is looking back; closure is about looking ahead. We want to let go and move on. This is what closure gives us. We may have gone through the grieving process and still not have the closure we seek. The law of relationship helps us to maneuver our way through the five set process of closure: Recognition, Acceptance, Understanding, Integration, and Gratitude. When we reach a feeling of gratitude, we know we've come full circle to experience closure.

Closure is actually the perfect word for it. It's more than neatly tying up loose ends. Think about life as a series of events and relationships, all linked together in some sort of artistic way, like a beautiful piece of jewelry. We can't wear a necklace or a bracelet if the chain is just left dangling. The jewelry maker finishes off the piece by adding a clasp, one loop that kind of ties together the beginning and the end, the start and the finish, so that what we are left with is one strong continuous chain. Our closure is that clasp. Closure helps it all make sense. It turns something seemingly broken into something useful, purposeful, and lovely.

About the Author:

Lissa Coffey is the author of CLOSURE and the Law of Relationship: Endings as New Beginnings. 

 

Happily Ever After?

Wedded bliss doesn't have to be hard to achieve... and other surprises about marriage

Sally Deneen October 14, 2010

We’re stressed. We’re overworked or looking for work. We’re worried about paying the bills, the mortgage, the kids’ college tuitions. We’re trying to do the best for our families, and in some cases, looking out for aging parents, too. All this takes a toll on the very thing that should provide strength and comfort: our marriages.

Intimacy? Who has time? Who has energy? Communication? Sure, we talk. You pick up the kids and I’ll stop for groceries.

Marriages are straining under the pressure. But the last thing we have time for is working on our relationships. Or is it?

Almost everyone has an opinion about marriage and relationships. Just ask Dear Abby or your mother-in-law. Much of the advice comes in sound bites, in reaction to the crises of the day: layoffs, health issues, infidelity or, ahem, diminished libido. Of those eager to render opinions on your marriage, few have done real research to gain an understanding of exactly how couples do succeed in building stronger, more intimate relationships.

We spoke with such experts, who were happy to report a few surprises—pleasant ones—resulting from their research. Sorry, there’s no magic bullet, even in a little blue pill. But listen to this: By paying attention to the little things, you’ll strengthen your marriage. Another surprise: A happier marriage doesn’t necessarily require a long, difficult process.

“This is amazing news for couples who want to make their marriages better, but who falsely believe the journey will be long, arduous, complicated and filled with land mines,” says Terri Orbuch, an author, radio host and director of a landmark government-funded long-term research study of 373 married couples.

That said, don’t you think you have a little time to invest in improving your marriage? Then read on.

Do address the little things.

“I think the most surprising thing to me: The couples in my study said they sweat the small stuff. That’s opposite from what we’re hearing in the media,” says Orbuch, author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great and host of The Love Doctor weekly radio show. She advises couples to address small things that irk them. Example: One spouse throws socks on the floor or doesn’t put dishes in the dishwasher. If you don’t deal with small issues when they occur, minor annoyances can snowball. “Don’t let it fester inside you,” Orbuch says. “Don’t let it accumulate over time. What starts small becomes big.”

Couples who have dealt with the little things are better able to handle bigger challenges outside the relationship, she says, such as job loss, financial difficulties, even the health of a parent. In fact, they grow closer during hardships.

Do or say small things every single day to show your partner is special.

To be happy in a relationship, you need to give “affective affirmation,” in Orbuch’s parlance. Translation: Turn on the coffee pot. Send a greeting card. Give a kiss on the cheek. Or do it with words: “I love you,” “You make me feel special,” “I would still choose you if I had to do it over again.”

“Men crave and need affective affirmation from their wives more than wives need it,” Orbuch says. Women can get support from other people while men rarely ever hear anyone else say, “I love your suit!” So men really crave affirmation from wives. Significantly, when men don’t get it, they look elsewhere, Orbuch’s research found, and when that happens, a couple is two times more likely to be divorced.

Don’t overlook an expression of affection.

Men might fix the car or repair a kitchen cabinet to show they care, and they expect women to show they care in similar active ways, Orbuch says. But women are the opposite—they use words and phrases to show they care, and they expect their sweethearts to do the same. Moral: Recognize that men and women tend to operate differently when it comes to showing each other they’re special. Make sure you’re not missing what your mate sees as a loving gesture.

Practice the 10-minute rule.

Every single day, talk with your spouse for at least 10 minutes about something other than these four things—work, family, chores or your relationship, Orbuch suggests. Most people think they’re communicating all the time with their spouses, but what they’re really doing is maintaining the household by deciding who’s going to pick up the kids, who’s going to call mom, who’s going to get the groceries. They’re not really communicating. 

Communication is when you share intimate thoughts, goals and dreams. Topic ideas: What are you most proud of doing in the last year? If you had all the money in the world, what would you like to do and why? What do you regret doing? Who were you closest to when you were growing up—mom or dad? Those are the kinds of questions you asked when you were first dating. And that’s the level of intimacy you want to re-create to transform your relationship and to really create happiness as you begin to know what makes your partner tick, Orbuch says.

Get out of your rut.

Join a gym together for the first time, start a new dance class, get up early to take a nature hike. Upset the routine enough to make your partner sit up and take notice. Here’s why: All relationships have ruts, and couples who stay in those ruts see happiness erode over time. To Orbuch’s surprise, a lot of couples are bored with each other and have been for a long time. Just the mere fact of being bored leads to unhappiness—“and we forget that.” For a great, successful relationship, you need to implement change or knock your partner off-kilter just a little bit to get out of that boredom. Example: One wife took her husband around the city for a treasure hunt. She kept giving him clues about the next place to go on the search. That added a lot of excitement. Adrenalin-producing activities are good—go to an amusement park, watch a scary movie. Try something new that’s a little beyond both partners’ comfort zones; as long as you’re both game for the adventure, it’s likely to bring you closer.

Don’t believe in fairytales.

Stop buying into relationship myths. The biggest reason couples split up isn’t sex, conflict or lack of communication—instead, it’s frustration, Orbuch says. Specifically, frustration from unrealistic expectations about love, the opposite sex and relationships. Examples: Relationships should be full of passion. A perfect marriage has no conflict. You need to talk about challenges and problems often if you want to be happy. When you believe myths like these, “you get really frustrated. Frustration is one of the leading reasons why people are unhappy,” Orbuch says. Solution: Sit down with your partner and write down your top two expectations. Switch papers. Discuss what the deal-breakers are. What are yours? What’s realistic?

Fight fair.

Money problems aren’t a predictor for divorce—it’s how you handle and manage conflict in general that is important. Find the right time to bring up a source of conflict—not as soon as your spouse walks in the door from work, but instead make an appointment to talk about things more formally. Address specific behaviors. Be ready to compromise. Apologize to each other, even if you didn’t start the argument. Don’t belittle. Orbuch’s research finds that couples who resolve conflicts in an unhealthy way are less likely to stay married.

Don’t focus on the negative.

It’s important to make time for positive activities—don’t just focus on eliminating the negative. “A mistake many couples make—as do many couples therapists, I might add—is that they focus on the negative. What’s wrong with the marriage, they ask? How can we fix it?” Orbuch writes in 5 Simple Steps. The most effective way to boost happiness in a basically sound marriage is to add new elements to the marriage and strengthen what’s already working pretty well. Plan time for fun, friendships and sensuality.

 "Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough." —Oprah Winfrey

Relationship and Marriage

 

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SPEND QUIET TIME TOGETHER

Our lives are so busy that work and family responsibilities preclude very much quiet time with our mates. We are so weary when we finally fall into bed that we seldom take the time to really talk to each other or to nurture that specialness that is ours alone.

Look at your schedule and see where some quiet time together can be stolen from the world. If you needed to arrange an important meeting, you would make time. If you had a child in the hospital, you would most certainly make the time to spend hours there.

The time required doesn’t have to be huge. The commitment to make that time does. This is the most important person in your life, not someone to be relegated to a list, somewhere below a business requirement and the PTA.

Snatch an hour here and an hour there just to be alone with your love, nurturing the uniqueness of the two of you. Take the kids to their grandparents or get a babysitter. Turn off your blackberry and your cell phone.

You can use your uninterrupted time to do anything you enjoy. Take a walk, or a drive, and talk about yourselves. Play word games or trivia on the Internet, laughing and communicating with each other as you did when you were dating so long ago. Listen to music that was popular when you met and reminisce about the good old days.

Talk about movies you’ve seen, books you’ve read, sports, politics, or national events. Talk about plans for the future and how you see your lives together in a year, five years, ten. Talk about your problems and what you can do together to resolve them.

Plan when your next time together will be and what you are going to do. And do it.

Marriage